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Graham's Ripples... |  |
Graham has an extensive joke email ring, which is rumoured to reach all four corners of the earth. Some examples are below. Graham is the church treasurer, when he isn't sending round his funny email circular.
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An anxious wife was heard to say, as she watched her husband fishing in a bucket of water in the middle of the living room: "I'd take him to a psychiatrist, but we really need the fish!"
Preparation for parenthood is not just a matter of reading books and decorating the nursery. Here are 12 simple tests for expectant parents to take to prepare themselves for the real-life experience of being a mother or father.
1. Women: to prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front. Leave it there for 9 months. After 9 months, take out 10% of the beans. Men: to prepare for paternity, go the chemist, tip the contents of your wallet on the counter, and tell the pharmacist to help himself. Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office. Go home. Pick up the paper and read it for the last time.
2. Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels, and how they have allowed their children to run riot. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and overall behavior. Enjoy it - it'll be the last time in your life that you will have all of the answers.
3. To discover how the nights feel, walk around, the living room from 5 pm to 10 pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 lbs. at 10 pm put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1 am. Put the alarm on for 3 am. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2 am and make a drink. Go to bed at 2:45 am. Get up again at 3 am when the alarm goes off. Sing songs in the dark until 4 am. Put the alarm on for 5 am. Get up. Make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.
4. Can you stand the mess children make? To find out, smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains. Hide a fish finger behind the stereo and leave it there all summer. Stick your fingers in the flowerbeds then rub them on the clean walls. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?
5. Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems: first buy an octopus and a string bag. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that none of the arms hang out. Time allowed for this - all morning.
6. Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and a can of paint, turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet tube. Using only scotch tape and a piece of foil, turn it into a Christmas tree. Last, take a milk container, a pingpong ball, and an empty packet of Coco Puffs and make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower. Congratulations, you have just qualified for a place on the playgroup committee.
7. Forget the Porsche and buy a Mini Van. And don't think you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like that. Buy a chocolate ice cream bar and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a quarter. Stick it in the cassette player. Take a family-size packet of chocolate cookies. Mash them down the back seats. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. -There!, Perfect!
8. Get ready to go out. Wait outside the toilet for half an hour. Go out the front door. Come in again. Go out. Come back in. Go out again. Walk down the front path. Walk back up it. Walk down it again. Walk very slowly down the road for 5 minutes. Stop to inspect minutely every cigarette butt, piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the way. Retrace your steps. Scream that you've had as much as you can stand, until the neighbours come out and stare at you. Give up and go back in the house. You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.
9. Always repeat everything you say at least five times.
10. Go to your local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a pre-school child - a fully grown goat is excellent. If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat. Buy your week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goats eat or destroy. Until you can easily accomplish this do not even contemplate having children.
11. Hollow out a melon. Make a small hole in the side. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side. Now get a bowl of soggy Froot Loops and attempt to spoon it into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane. Continue until half of the Froot Loops are gone. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor. You are now ready to feed a 12-month old baby.
12. Learn the names of every character from The Teletubbies, Sesame Street and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. When you find yourself singing "I love you, you love me" at work, now!, you finally qualify as a parent.
Have you ever wondered whether computers were male or female? A group of male scientists decided that they were definitely female and their 5 reasons were :-
1. No-one other than the creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to anyone else.
3. The message "Bad command or file name" is about as informative as "If you don't kow why I'm mad at you, I'm certainly not going to tell you".
4. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for later retrieval.
5. A soon as you make a commitment to one you find yourself spending half of your pay cheque paying for accessories for it.
However, a group of female scientists came up with 5 reasons why computers were male :-
1. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
2. They are supposed to help you solve problems but half the time they are the problem.
3. As soon as you commit to one you realise that if you had waited a bit longer you could have had a better model.
4. In order to get their attention you have to turn them on.
5. Big power surges knock them out for the rest of the night.
How many Microsoft vice presidents does it take to change a light bulb?
Eight: one to fit the bulb and seven to make sure Microsoft get £2 for every light bulb ever changed anywhere in the world.
How many Microsoft engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
None, Bill Gates will just redefine Darkness (TM) as the new industry standard.
A blonde was tired of hearing blonde jokes and decided to prove people wrong. She spent weeks studying a map of the United States, memorising all the capitals for all the states. The next time someone started telling a blonde joke she said, "Hey, not all blondes are stupid. I can prove it. Give me the name of any state and I'll tell you its capital."
"Vermont", someone suggested.
"V", she replied.
Two cowpokes rode up to the saloon after a long cold trail. They get off their horses and Jed goes round to the rump and lifts up his mares tail and plants a kiss right on the horses ass.
His riding pardner says to him :- "Why'd you do that, Jed?"
Jed replies "Cos I got chapped lips boy"
"Heck Jed, does that cure 'em?"
"Nope! But it sure stops me lickin 'em!"
Why did the chicken cross the road?
KINDERGARTEN TEACHER: To get to the other side.
PLATO: For the greater good.
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.
KARL MARX: It was an historical inevitability.
TIMOTHY LEARY: Because that's the only trip the establishment would let it take.
SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
JACK NICHOLSON: 'Cause it ******* wanted to. That's the ******* reason.
RONALD REAGAN: I forget.
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
HIPPOCRATES: Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas.
AT KEARNEY CONSULTANT: Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market. AT Kearney, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM), AT Kearney helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge, capital and experiences to align the chicken's people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework. AT Kearney convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with each other in order to achieve the implicit goals of delivering and successfully architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes. The meeting was held in a park-like setting, enabling and creating an impactful environment which was strategically based, industry-focused, and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified market message and aligned with the chicken's mission, vision, and core values. This was conducive towards the creation of a total business integration solution. AT Kearney helped the chicken change to become more successful.
LOUIS FARRAKHAN: The road, you see, represents the black man. The chicken 'crossed' the black man in order to trample him and keep him down.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
MOSES: And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?
RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did NOT cross the road.
MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.
JERRY SEINFELD: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place, anyway?"
FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
BILL GATES: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook.
OLIVER STONE: The question is not, "Why did the chicken cross the road?" Rather, it is, "Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"
DARWIN: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads.
EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
BUDDHA: Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.
RALPH WALDO EMERSON: The chicken did not cross the road ... it transcended it.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.
COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?
BILL CLINTON: I did not have a relationship with that chicken.
A cannibal went away for his holidays. When he returned, he had lost an arm and a leg. When asked what had happened, he replied, "I went self catering".
What do cannibals play at parties?
Swallow the leader.
ERROR MESSAGES PLANNED FOR WINDOWS 2000:
1. Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.
2. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
3. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
4. Press any key ... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!
5. Close your eyes and press escape three times.
6. Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner. You've just earned yourself a time-out, Mister!
8. Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.
9. File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
10. Bad or missing mouse driver. Spank the cat? (Y/N)
11. Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.
12. Error reading FAT Table: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
13. WinErr 547: LPT1 not found ... Use backup ... PENCIL & PAPER.
14. User Error: Replace user.
15. Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (P)anic.
